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wintercompanion2008-06-24 03:02 am
sarkywoman.livejournal.com) wrote in wintercompanion2008-06-24 03:02 am
sarkywoman: Jack's A-Z of Gadgets (Pairing: Jack/Many) [R]
Title: Jack Harkness' A-Z of Gadgets and Gizmos
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
sarkywoman
Challenge: Technogeekery
Rating: R, because it's written from Jack's POV and he's an R-rated kinda guy. At least.
Spoilers/warnings: Series 2 TW and Series 4 DW, to be on the safe side.
Summary: Jack compiles a list of gadgets and gizmos, with a handy 'Sexual Applications' section to save time. Inspired strongly and assisted by The Doctor Who Encyclopedia.
Pairings: Right...all implied, some more than others...Jack/10, Master/Jack/10, Master/Jack, 9/Jack, Jack/John, Jack/Owen, Jack/Ianto, Jack/K-9, Jack/Jack/Jack/Jack/Jack/Ianto/Owen/Gwen, Jack/Suzie, Jack/Gwen, Jack/Toshiko.
Jack Harkness’ A-Z of Technology
A – Archangel Network: A system of communication launched by Harold Saxon, aka the Master, evil Time Lord extraordinaire. He used the fifteen orbiting satellites to hypnotise the population of Britain into voting for him, with a very high success rate. The Doctor used it to bask in godlike glory and save the world, as he is prone to doing.
Sexual Applications: The Master occasionally used the hypnotic frequency of the Archangel Network to lull me and the Doctor into relaxation, whereupon he would seduce us, or have us seduce each other. Very pleasant and erotic, but needs patience, since the slightest psychic defence slows down the effect considerably. The Master would probably have had to focus the network on us a week in advance of seduction.
B – Bazoolium: Most commonly known for its weather-predicting capabilities, Bazoolium changes colour in the event of – ha – an oncoming storm. However, if you know the right shops (or maybe I should say the wrong shops), you can find various things made from Bazoolium, treated in such a way that they no longer change with the weather. They predict…other stuff.
Sexual Applications: While Rose was picking out a Bazoolium vase so that Jackie Tyler could avoid getting her washing-line wet, I had dragged the Doctor into the area of more questionable artefacts. I made him choose which Bazoolium sex-toy he wanted and he nonchalantly pointed to the biggest dildo they had, which changed colour according to partner satisfaction. Of course, when I bought it I’d assumed I would be using it on him. Silly me. But I regret nothing.
C – Compact Laser Deluxe: A handy little weapon that can be secreted on your person. Very good at destroying robots, among other things. Short life-span on the power supply though, so you shouldn’t conserve it until you really have to use it.
Sexual Applications: The Compact Laser doesn’t lend itself to fun and games, but I consider myself a creative man when it comes to such things. It was years and years ago now, but I did invent a game called ‘find the weapon’, which I played frequently with Capt John Hart. We even played a platonic version when he visited the Hub for the first time.
D – Defabricator: Though it won’t touch your hidden Laser, the Defabricator will disintegrate all fabrics on your body, which saves a lot of time when you’re eager. Due to the beam density and the materials used in its construction, it’s possible to convert it into a weapon capable of destroying even a Dalek. I was proud of that one.
Sexual Applications: If they aren’t obvious to you from the gadget description, you may need to read a different A-Z first. One of the best workdays ever began with the team finding a Defabricator. And with them never knowing what buttons they shouldn’t push, they were all naked by the time I caught up with them. I still say Owen has potential if he’d only hit the gym more.
E – Emotional Accelerator: The Hziak are an alien race who have long-since evolved brilliant intellects at the expense of their emotions. An emotional Hziak is a quirk of the gene pool. They still feel things, but muted. They react to situations with far less feelings than a human would. But they’re not emotionally-dead and they have no desire to be so. So they invented the EA – Emotional Accelerator. It amplifies emotional states by increasing chemical production. It’s not the most reliable machine ever made, and can cause undesirable side-effects, especially around other species.
Sexual Applications: I’ve seen an EA used the wrong way many times. People thinking they can get past that first date awkwardness by flicking a switch (that’s not a dig at Owen, I should add. He was new back then, he didn’t know any better). But the EA amplifies whatever’s there. If someone likes you but they’re nervous, using the EA will make them like you a lot more but also make them a lot more nervous. The best way to use the EA recreationally is to get nice and relaxed, maybe have a couple of drinks, maybe get the Doctor snuggled up on the sofa with a good book, then switch on the EA and see where it gets you. Chances are that neck massage will end up going a lot lower than you’d anticipated…
F – Fob Watch: Usually a quaint way of telling the time, Time Lords have a slightly different use for Fob Watches. When they use the Chameleon Arch, their essence, their very self, gets transported into the watch. They become someone else with a new identity and different species. It’s only when they’re exposed to the inside of the Fob Watch that they return to their original state. The Doctor used it to temporarily become John Smith and evade the Family of Blood. The Master used it to become Professor Yana and escape the Time War. Both Time Lords were returned to their real states through unforeseen circumstances, suggesting that the Chameleon Arch isn’t a perfect evasion technique.
Sexual Applications: Now, apart from stopwatches, I’m not prone to fetishising timepieces. But I found a Fob Watch on the TARDIS and after a chat with Martha, I heard that this little object had the Doctor inside it. Maybe timepieces aren’t always a huge kink for me, but the Doctor is. And…well…let’s just say that if he ever needs it back I might have some explaining to do.
G – Gravity Manipulators: Do exactly what it says on their tin. It was a huge shock to me when Ianto dragged me round Ikea and I realised that shoppers are expected to lug their own flat-pack furniture around on shitty little trolleys instead of the anti-grav hover platforms all the mega-malls of the future have. I mean, I knew there wasn’t proper anti-grav tech in the 21st century, but the impact on furniture-shopping hadn’t occurred to me.
Sexual Applications: I decided to give Ianto an example of what the hell I was talking about when we got back to the Hub. I pulled out my dear gravity-manipulating cuffs, stuck one on each of his wrists. Now, for you aspiring gravity-bondage-artists out there, let me give you a couple of pointers. If you spread your lover’s arms and/or legs before switching the cuffs to a high-gravity setting, they’ll be held down with more security and efficiency than chains or ties will ever give you. As you’re getting them keen with some teasing and foreplay, ease up on the gravity until they’re not restrained anymore. Then, as you get them closer to climax, switch the cuffs to anti-grav. That’ll give them that pleasant, floating feeling. Just make sure you don’t throw the switch too quick, or they’ll end up on the ceiling, which is amusing for like, five seconds.
H – Hand and Hyper-vodka: The particular hand that I’m referring to is the hand of the Doctor. It was chopped off during his swordfight with the Sycorax. I found it, put it in a jar that I rigged with stasis technology (to keep it fresh), and made a Doctor-detector out of it. The device worked, it went off the next time he passed, but when he found out about it he took it from me. Understandable, since with his amount of enemies it was unwise to have a sample of his DNA laying about. My other ‘H’ is hyper-vodka, a concentrated version of the contemporary alcoholic drink. It’s deceptively light on the tongue and will get you absolutely fucked. And that’s my expert opinion.
Sexual Applications: This is where I explain why I put Hand and Hyper-vodka in the same entry. It’s a slightly shameful account and I’m not proud of it. I would just like to point out that I was lonely, I missed the Doctor, and in a fit of alcohol-assisted logic, I thought the hand might be an acceptable physical substitute. I know how twisted that sounds, believe me. I’m not normally easily embarrassed, to put it mildly, but using the Doctor’s hand for sexual fulfilment was mortifying on two counts –
1. Toshiko caught me. We’ve never spoken of it. I don’t think we ever will.
2. The Doctor said in his subtle way, when we met up again, that he could still feel sensation in the severed hand, like it was a phantom limb. Then he gave me a filthy smirk. I think that’s the first time I’ve ever blushed. I didn’t know I could blush.
I – Isomorphic Technology: Specifically, I’m referring to the biometric security measures used in advanced equipment. It prevents anyone but you from using the equipment. The Doctor’s TARDIS possesses isomorphic controls, but he doesn’t have them switched on as often as he should. The Master’s laser screwdriver was set to isomorphic so that we couldn’t use it against him. I’ve got a few bits and pieces of my own in the Torchwood vaults that are set to isomorphic, though not all of them are programmed to my biological signature yet.
Sexual Applications: Where to start? Let’s just say, there’s a lot of fun you can have using toys that your partner can’t control. As long as you’re careful. Isomorphic handcuffs won’t unlock unless you unlock them. Then there’s always programming a vibrator to your lover’s biological signature. Whenever it touches them, it sets off and doesn’t stop unless you take it away. So let’s say, for argument’s sake, you have a full set of isomorphic toys and a willing Time Lord. You could have that Time Lord completely restrained, completely at your mercy, being brought to the brink over and over by toys he has no power over. I’m going to take a quick cold shower before the next entry, if you don’t mind.
J – Joy Patch: Not to be confused with the ‘Bliss’ patch, which wiped out the population of New Earth through a mutated virus, the ‘Joy’ patch is a type of mood patch aimed at short-lived, focused bursts of pleasure. It’s a cheap thrill, releases a few bolts of joy over the course of a few hours. Very popular with the teenage party market.
Sexual Applications: Like I said, it’s a cheap thrill. Doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a bad one. One night out with John Hart, we played a little game. This is back in my wild days, just so you know. We bought about twenty mood patches each with our ill-gotten cash from the latest mission and over the course of the night we tagged each other with them. We were allowed to take them off if we noticed them, so it was a game of stealth. Suffice to say we were both sneaky enough to tag one another with around ten joy patches and by the end of the night we were off our faces on good vibes. Did I mention each ‘joy’ surge feels like an orgasm?
K – K-9: K9 is a robotic dog with a bad pun for a name. There are a few versions roaming around the Universe. The Doctor builds them with technology superior to Earth tech, then leaves them with companions as consolation prizes. I’m sure he would have a very different view of events, but that’s the way I see it. He made one the last time I went travelling with him, after the Year That Wasn’t. When we split up again to go our separate paths for a while, he donated K-9 Mk V to Torchwood, trusting Toshiko to keep it maintained. I suppose it’s only fair. Ianto has Myfanwy, Owen has Janet the Weevil, Gwen has Rhys. Now Tosh has K-9. She’s made some pretty amazing improvements and he’s been a huge asset to her.
Sexual Applications: Doctor, if you’re reading this, I’m so sorry. But you invented a robot dog with a vibrating nose, how could I resist trying that out? And he’s so obedient, yet he also has the initiative to figure out how to respond to commands like ‘harder’ and ‘faster’ in a context he hasn’t been programmed for!
L – Laser Screwdriver: I don’t know if sprucing up screwdrivers is a Time Lord hobby or if the Master was just mocking the Doctor when he presented his ‘Laser Screwdriver’. It could kill in one shot and it also had compact Lazarus technology to age and de-age someone as long as there was a handy sample of their DNA. It could also be used for torture purposes. Speaking from unpleasant experience there.
Sexual Applications: Well it seems to have some functions similar to the Sonic Screwdriver. The Master was ‘kind’ enough to demonstrate all varying vibration speeds. Also, through use of the Lazarus tech in a localised and focused beam, he was able to restore my ass to its original virgin tightness. I’d have thanked him, except he only did it so he could break me in again. Bastard.
M – Mobile Phone: Although it’s primitive compared to a lot of communications technology that Torchwood has in its possession, I like these little gizmos. In a crisis, you can almost guarantee that someone will have one. Having lived through earlier eras before worldwide communication, I can really appreciate that. Of course, if your attackers are smart enough to hack the network it might not be much use. My mobile phone recently got upgraded to ‘Universal Roaming’, thanks to my favourite Time Lord.
Sexual Applications: Same as any phone or communications device – dirty, kinky phone sex. I didn’t realise that when the Doctor put my phone onto Universal Roaming, that he’d be calling me whenever he got lonely/horny/drunk in the TARDIS. I don’t complain, though Ianto gets frustrated when I stop what we’re doing to talk on the phone for an hour. I tend to take those calls in another room so that he can’t hear me saying, “oh that’s right, Doctor. I’m a bad Captain. Wish you were here to spank me.”
N – Nanogenes: Smart subatomic robots that inhabit all Chula ships and can restore living tissue to its pristine form, provided they have been programmed with what that pristine form is. If they’re good enough, they can perform any healing task, from healing a paper-cut to reviving a corpse. Certain nanogenes can be programmed for military purposes, not only healing the troops, but improving on their original physical status and making them battle-ready.
Sexual Applications: With a steady supply of pre-programmed, high-quality nanogenes, you’re practically invincible. Your S & M play can get really wild if you have nanogenes on hand to heal every cut, bruise, lash, etc. In fact, if it weren’t for nanogenes, I don’t think me and John would have been nearly as rough with one another. Ah, who am I kidding? We’d have torn each other to pieces.
O – Orgasm-ray: I know what you’re thinking. Really, I do. Let me just confirm that Torchwood had nothing to do with the production of this…weapon. UNIT also deny involvement. Whoever made it, it’s in the safe hands of Torchwood now. It looks like a laser, delivers an incapacitating blast of orgasmic pleasure to the victim. A great way of stopping a fight before it starts. However, due to an incident the team refer to as ‘an obscene abuse of power’, I have been forced to put the item into secure storage. I believe Ianto has the code. I’m not allowed to know it, apparently.
Sexual Applications: Pretty obvious. I had to promise the Doctor I’d get rid of it after I made him climax 26 times in one hour. When he was conscious again, he was pretty furious. But it was so worth it. Since then I’ve found it’s best to use it stealthily, give people stealth-orgasms. Like that film, which I can’t remember the name of. Anyway, the team found out what I was doing and they weren’t pleased. Owen used it on me until I begged for forgiveness, at which point we locked the Orgasm-ray away. I bet I could get into the drawer though…
P – Perception Filter: A perception filter almost makes you invisible to most people. It’s not a foolproof disguise, certain people with either the right training or natural advantage will be able to see right through it (for example, Suzie Costello and the Master). Amongst ordinary people it does its job though, keeps you on the edge of perception, makes people disregard you unless you do something extreme. This is the technology that disguises the Hub’s invisible lift and the TARDIS and smaller versions can be constructed for personal use.
Sexual Applications: You don’t need to wear a blindfold if your partner’s wearing a perception filter. It’s like being molested by a ghost or a shadow, something just out of your vision. And, of course, anybody else who’s around can’t see them. Perfect for a public, yet subtle, encounter. The Doctor recently got me off in a café while wearing a perception filter. This regeneration really is a cheeky bastard.
Q – Quasi-Clone-Production-Engine: Tosh named this piece of equipment that came through the Rift, possibly from the Sontaran race. It produces fully-grown clones if you have adequate biological data to input, but not perfect replicas. Through voluntary experimentation at my expense, we were able to produce a number of clones, each one less individual and independent than the last. Like photocopying a photocopy, each one is inferior quality, personality-wise. They’re also very short-lived, so an army of Harkness is out of the question.
Sexual Applications: The main one I can think of is an orgy with yourself, but unfortunately the clones expire once the original template is out of the machine for too long. I have the CCTV footage of the Jack Harkness clone-orgy, but alas, I wasn’t involved. Just five inferior versions of me, Ianto, Owen, Gwen, and three tubs of strawberry ice cream.
R – Ret-con: Not all technology is metal and wires. The ret-con drug is a piece of chemical technology that I refined myself. It’s been used by Torchwood for a long time when memory modification is necessary, but I’ve taken to carrying a few different samples of varying concentrations with slightly different effects. I have some which also sedate people, best for troublesome elements.
Sexual Applications: None to be proud of. Best for erasing those unintended encounters. I’m ashamed to say I’ve used it for that purpose more than once. I’m sorry Suzie, Owen, Gwen, Toshiko, even Ianto, prior to our official relationship. It just didn’t seem worth the hassle to strain working relationships when I could eradicate the awkwardness with a single dose of ret-con. The guilt is overwhelming though. Especially when the morning-after the Doctor sips his tea and frowns before turning those big, brown, hurt eyes on you and you realise that Time Lords are probably immune and you really should have just talked it out before jumping to conclusions and…I think that’s enough on Ret-con.
S – Sonic Screwdriver: I assume it’s Gallifreyan technology created by the Time Lords, though why they chose a screwdriver for their genius fix-it tool, I don’t know. While the Master has a laser screwdriver, the Doctor carries a sonic one and it’s an incredibly versatile tool. It can unlock doors, as long as they aren’t deadlocked. It can power objects or drain their power. It’s equipped with a multi-purpose scanner amongst other things. It doesn’t kill or maim, making it the tool of choice for pacifists. It has numerous settings, countless functions. The Doctor builds them himself using the TARDIS I think, though I’m not sure on the specifics.
Sexual Applications: Let’s just say ‘resonating concrete’ came to have a whole new meaning after I’d travelled with the Doctor for a while…
T – TARDIS: TARDIS is an acronym for Time And Relative Dimension In Space. Using the Time Vortex, it can travel all around space and time. It can fly like a normal spaceship, but tends to use dematerialisation as its primary mode of transportation. That could be because it has a slightly dodgy pilot, though. The ships were created by the Time Lords, and the sole surviving craft belongs to the sole surviving Time Lord – the Doctor. Using perception filters and a chameleon circuit, a TARDIS can blend in with its surroundings as a security measure. The Doctor’s TARDIS has a broken chameleon circuit though, and permanently looks like a 1960’s Earth Police Phone Box. He doesn’t seem to care. The inside of the ship is far bigger than the outside, and as far as I know, the internal dimensions could be infinite. The ship provides all manner of interior comforts for her passengers and I had a room on-board that seems to have been preserved for subsequent visits. The ship has a mind of her own and links to her pilot and passengers telepathically. She translates all alien languages, but the Doctor himself might be a component in that function. The TARDIS can’t normally traverse walls between Universes unless there are seriously unusual conditions, and even then other Universes can be harmful to her. The TARDIS frequently drops by Cardiff to refuel from the Rift, which is when her owner (or the Time Lord she owns) drops by the Hub for visits.
Sexual Applications: The TARDIS wants her Time Lord and his friends to be happy. To that effect she’s willing to be the setting for many pleasurable encounters and even provides toys if you ask for them. And when the Doctor’s being stubborn or he’s in a bad mood and doesn’t feel like playing, she’ll even transform your room to a luxurious pleasure-palace. Though, according to the Doctor, that’s something she’s only ever done for me. He says I’m a bad influence on his ship.
U – Universal Translator: Just like Star Trek. It’s something found by Torchwood, perfected by Toshiko. It can translate most alien languages we’ve encountered so far, using word pattern formulae and a hint of psychic probing. Very useful for diplomatic negotiations.
Sexual Applications: Well, I can now say ‘would you like to sleep with me’ in Hziak, Xaan, all eighteen Morsnokian dialects, and Prionian.
V – Vortex Manipulator: Given to Time Agents, the Vortex Manipulator allows them to jump through time and space. It’s supposed to be massively resilient, but mine was fried in an attempt to jump to twenty-first century Earth after being zapped by a Dalek, and the damn thing left me stranded in 1869. It still accepts holographic messages and John Hart can contact me through it. It can also scan for certain energy signatures and monitor certain things, but more often than not the Torchwood scanners are more precise because it’s their primary function. The Doctor repaired it for me, but then undid the work when I refused to travel with him. He can be such a petty bitch sometimes.
Sexual Applications: Aside from the constant string of innuendo that crops up whenever me and John have our Vortex Manipulators in the same place at the same time (for the record, his doesn’t last longer!), the gizmo is normally too valuable to a Time Agent to play with it. However, since mine crapped out on me, I’ve got no issues with taking it off and using it for other stuff. I installed a vibration function so that it’s fun to wear in places other than my wrist. John installed an expand and retract mechanism on his so that he can use it as a cock-ring. I didn’t know any Time Agents who hadn’t found an inventive use for their Vortex Manipulator. I suppose that doesn’t do anything to disprove the Doctor’s theory that the Time Agency was a futuristic brothel.
W – Waveform Macro-kinetic Extrapolator (Tribophysical): Technology that creates a forcefield around the user, enabling them to ride an explosion safely. Most recent one I saw was intended for use by a Slitheen, who found it on sale. I rigged it up to the TARDIS to defend the Doctor, who needs all the protection he can get. And yes, I know I’m cheating by putting it under ‘W’. But Torchwood has been seriously lacking in alien technology beginning with ‘W’.
Sexual Applications: Okay. One time, the Doctor wandered into my room to talk to me without knocking. I was prepared for it, lying naked on my bed, touching myself. I didn’t stop when he stared. I ought to mention that this was pretty early on in our acquaintance. He didn’t leave though, which was more than I’d dared to expect. I just carried on, all the more inspired by his presence. He got closer and closer and I dared him with my eyes. It was a challenge. Eventually he snapped and moved forward to claim me, only to find I was using the Waveform Macro-kinetic Extrapolator to project a forcefield around me. So he could look, but not touch. The next time, I didn’t put the field up. By that point he was so frustrated he just pounced on me. And so began our physical relationship.
X – X-Ray Specs: Not just a quaint human science-fiction idea. By my time, most security scans include checking for X-ray equipment to prevent people seeing things they shouldn’t. Most of them are adjustable and can be switched on and off, like the Doctor’s. That’s right, the tenth version of the Doctor, his geeky black glasses are actually X-ray equipped. Funny enough, I don’t think he ever told Martha, Rose or Donna about that…
Sexual Applications: Me and the Doctor went through a bit of a dry patch after siding with different teams in a Xaan war. We shouldn’t have let it get so serious really, I mean, the Xaan have wars all the time. But still, I was effectively sleeping alone for a while after that. As it happened, I had a pair of X-Ray lenses, contacts rather than framed spectacles. So until the Doctor forgave me, I made do with wearing the lenses and watching him saunter around the TARDIS completely naked. Of course it was a bit jarring when he forgave me and I had to take off clothes that I couldn’t see…
Y – Youth Ray: Similar in essence to the Lazarus technology that de-ages you, except it works on the mind instead of the body. You’re regressed to a younger mental age. Me and the Doctor destroyed the only existing machine and had some stern words with its creator. Turned out to be an old scientist who had gone mad with grief over the loss of her unborn child. Very tragic. We almost didn’t stop her from regressing the whole of the human race through stolen TARDIS technology, but using modified and focussed Lazarus technology I was able to restore the Doctor’s cognitive capacity.
Sexual Applications: Um…none without serious ethical implications (not that that’s always stopped me, but I won’t go into that here). It depends on the age of regression though. For instance, did you know that the Doctor was highly curious and experimental as a teenager? Very eager to try out strange, physical human practises. Which is why we were almost too late to stop the scientist. Oops.
Z – Zip-Space: A term coined by Toshiko Sato to describe a phenomena whereby she can isolate pockets of Rift space. It could be Vortex space or Void space, I’m not sure. All that matters is that she can somehow separate it from the rest and create a pocket out of it, which can hold all manner of things, sort of suspend them in time and space. They effectively cease to exist until you withdraw them from the space again. It’s kind of like a pocket dimension. But not. It’s handy because it’s opened by a tiny mechanism that’s easily hidden, so you can store weapons inside it and skip through security checks.
Sexual Applications: The Doctor thinks he’s the only one with pockets that are bigger on the inside. It’s so fun to prove him wrong. Especially when he’s smug and you’re naked and then you access Zip-Space and produce that favourite old toy, the Bazoolium dildo. That’s not shock that makes his eyes widen that way, my friends, it’s pure gadget-lust.
Author:
sarkywomanChallenge: Technogeekery
Rating: R, because it's written from Jack's POV and he's an R-rated kinda guy. At least.
Spoilers/warnings: Series 2 TW and Series 4 DW, to be on the safe side.
Summary: Jack compiles a list of gadgets and gizmos, with a handy 'Sexual Applications' section to save time. Inspired strongly and assisted by The Doctor Who Encyclopedia.
Pairings: Right...all implied, some more than others...Jack/10, Master/Jack/10, Master/Jack, 9/Jack, Jack/John, Jack/Owen, Jack/Ianto, Jack/K-9, Jack/Jack/Jack/Jack/Jack/Ianto/Owen/Gwen, Jack/Suzie, Jack/Gwen, Jack/Toshiko.
Jack Harkness’ A-Z of Technology
A – Archangel Network: A system of communication launched by Harold Saxon, aka the Master, evil Time Lord extraordinaire. He used the fifteen orbiting satellites to hypnotise the population of Britain into voting for him, with a very high success rate. The Doctor used it to bask in godlike glory and save the world, as he is prone to doing.
Sexual Applications: The Master occasionally used the hypnotic frequency of the Archangel Network to lull me and the Doctor into relaxation, whereupon he would seduce us, or have us seduce each other. Very pleasant and erotic, but needs patience, since the slightest psychic defence slows down the effect considerably. The Master would probably have had to focus the network on us a week in advance of seduction.
B – Bazoolium: Most commonly known for its weather-predicting capabilities, Bazoolium changes colour in the event of – ha – an oncoming storm. However, if you know the right shops (or maybe I should say the wrong shops), you can find various things made from Bazoolium, treated in such a way that they no longer change with the weather. They predict…other stuff.
Sexual Applications: While Rose was picking out a Bazoolium vase so that Jackie Tyler could avoid getting her washing-line wet, I had dragged the Doctor into the area of more questionable artefacts. I made him choose which Bazoolium sex-toy he wanted and he nonchalantly pointed to the biggest dildo they had, which changed colour according to partner satisfaction. Of course, when I bought it I’d assumed I would be using it on him. Silly me. But I regret nothing.
C – Compact Laser Deluxe: A handy little weapon that can be secreted on your person. Very good at destroying robots, among other things. Short life-span on the power supply though, so you shouldn’t conserve it until you really have to use it.
Sexual Applications: The Compact Laser doesn’t lend itself to fun and games, but I consider myself a creative man when it comes to such things. It was years and years ago now, but I did invent a game called ‘find the weapon’, which I played frequently with Capt John Hart. We even played a platonic version when he visited the Hub for the first time.
D – Defabricator: Though it won’t touch your hidden Laser, the Defabricator will disintegrate all fabrics on your body, which saves a lot of time when you’re eager. Due to the beam density and the materials used in its construction, it’s possible to convert it into a weapon capable of destroying even a Dalek. I was proud of that one.
Sexual Applications: If they aren’t obvious to you from the gadget description, you may need to read a different A-Z first. One of the best workdays ever began with the team finding a Defabricator. And with them never knowing what buttons they shouldn’t push, they were all naked by the time I caught up with them. I still say Owen has potential if he’d only hit the gym more.
E – Emotional Accelerator: The Hziak are an alien race who have long-since evolved brilliant intellects at the expense of their emotions. An emotional Hziak is a quirk of the gene pool. They still feel things, but muted. They react to situations with far less feelings than a human would. But they’re not emotionally-dead and they have no desire to be so. So they invented the EA – Emotional Accelerator. It amplifies emotional states by increasing chemical production. It’s not the most reliable machine ever made, and can cause undesirable side-effects, especially around other species.
Sexual Applications: I’ve seen an EA used the wrong way many times. People thinking they can get past that first date awkwardness by flicking a switch (that’s not a dig at Owen, I should add. He was new back then, he didn’t know any better). But the EA amplifies whatever’s there. If someone likes you but they’re nervous, using the EA will make them like you a lot more but also make them a lot more nervous. The best way to use the EA recreationally is to get nice and relaxed, maybe have a couple of drinks, maybe get the Doctor snuggled up on the sofa with a good book, then switch on the EA and see where it gets you. Chances are that neck massage will end up going a lot lower than you’d anticipated…
F – Fob Watch: Usually a quaint way of telling the time, Time Lords have a slightly different use for Fob Watches. When they use the Chameleon Arch, their essence, their very self, gets transported into the watch. They become someone else with a new identity and different species. It’s only when they’re exposed to the inside of the Fob Watch that they return to their original state. The Doctor used it to temporarily become John Smith and evade the Family of Blood. The Master used it to become Professor Yana and escape the Time War. Both Time Lords were returned to their real states through unforeseen circumstances, suggesting that the Chameleon Arch isn’t a perfect evasion technique.
Sexual Applications: Now, apart from stopwatches, I’m not prone to fetishising timepieces. But I found a Fob Watch on the TARDIS and after a chat with Martha, I heard that this little object had the Doctor inside it. Maybe timepieces aren’t always a huge kink for me, but the Doctor is. And…well…let’s just say that if he ever needs it back I might have some explaining to do.
G – Gravity Manipulators: Do exactly what it says on their tin. It was a huge shock to me when Ianto dragged me round Ikea and I realised that shoppers are expected to lug their own flat-pack furniture around on shitty little trolleys instead of the anti-grav hover platforms all the mega-malls of the future have. I mean, I knew there wasn’t proper anti-grav tech in the 21st century, but the impact on furniture-shopping hadn’t occurred to me.
Sexual Applications: I decided to give Ianto an example of what the hell I was talking about when we got back to the Hub. I pulled out my dear gravity-manipulating cuffs, stuck one on each of his wrists. Now, for you aspiring gravity-bondage-artists out there, let me give you a couple of pointers. If you spread your lover’s arms and/or legs before switching the cuffs to a high-gravity setting, they’ll be held down with more security and efficiency than chains or ties will ever give you. As you’re getting them keen with some teasing and foreplay, ease up on the gravity until they’re not restrained anymore. Then, as you get them closer to climax, switch the cuffs to anti-grav. That’ll give them that pleasant, floating feeling. Just make sure you don’t throw the switch too quick, or they’ll end up on the ceiling, which is amusing for like, five seconds.
H – Hand and Hyper-vodka: The particular hand that I’m referring to is the hand of the Doctor. It was chopped off during his swordfight with the Sycorax. I found it, put it in a jar that I rigged with stasis technology (to keep it fresh), and made a Doctor-detector out of it. The device worked, it went off the next time he passed, but when he found out about it he took it from me. Understandable, since with his amount of enemies it was unwise to have a sample of his DNA laying about. My other ‘H’ is hyper-vodka, a concentrated version of the contemporary alcoholic drink. It’s deceptively light on the tongue and will get you absolutely fucked. And that’s my expert opinion.
Sexual Applications: This is where I explain why I put Hand and Hyper-vodka in the same entry. It’s a slightly shameful account and I’m not proud of it. I would just like to point out that I was lonely, I missed the Doctor, and in a fit of alcohol-assisted logic, I thought the hand might be an acceptable physical substitute. I know how twisted that sounds, believe me. I’m not normally easily embarrassed, to put it mildly, but using the Doctor’s hand for sexual fulfilment was mortifying on two counts –
1. Toshiko caught me. We’ve never spoken of it. I don’t think we ever will.
2. The Doctor said in his subtle way, when we met up again, that he could still feel sensation in the severed hand, like it was a phantom limb. Then he gave me a filthy smirk. I think that’s the first time I’ve ever blushed. I didn’t know I could blush.
I – Isomorphic Technology: Specifically, I’m referring to the biometric security measures used in advanced equipment. It prevents anyone but you from using the equipment. The Doctor’s TARDIS possesses isomorphic controls, but he doesn’t have them switched on as often as he should. The Master’s laser screwdriver was set to isomorphic so that we couldn’t use it against him. I’ve got a few bits and pieces of my own in the Torchwood vaults that are set to isomorphic, though not all of them are programmed to my biological signature yet.
Sexual Applications: Where to start? Let’s just say, there’s a lot of fun you can have using toys that your partner can’t control. As long as you’re careful. Isomorphic handcuffs won’t unlock unless you unlock them. Then there’s always programming a vibrator to your lover’s biological signature. Whenever it touches them, it sets off and doesn’t stop unless you take it away. So let’s say, for argument’s sake, you have a full set of isomorphic toys and a willing Time Lord. You could have that Time Lord completely restrained, completely at your mercy, being brought to the brink over and over by toys he has no power over. I’m going to take a quick cold shower before the next entry, if you don’t mind.
J – Joy Patch: Not to be confused with the ‘Bliss’ patch, which wiped out the population of New Earth through a mutated virus, the ‘Joy’ patch is a type of mood patch aimed at short-lived, focused bursts of pleasure. It’s a cheap thrill, releases a few bolts of joy over the course of a few hours. Very popular with the teenage party market.
Sexual Applications: Like I said, it’s a cheap thrill. Doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a bad one. One night out with John Hart, we played a little game. This is back in my wild days, just so you know. We bought about twenty mood patches each with our ill-gotten cash from the latest mission and over the course of the night we tagged each other with them. We were allowed to take them off if we noticed them, so it was a game of stealth. Suffice to say we were both sneaky enough to tag one another with around ten joy patches and by the end of the night we were off our faces on good vibes. Did I mention each ‘joy’ surge feels like an orgasm?
K – K-9: K9 is a robotic dog with a bad pun for a name. There are a few versions roaming around the Universe. The Doctor builds them with technology superior to Earth tech, then leaves them with companions as consolation prizes. I’m sure he would have a very different view of events, but that’s the way I see it. He made one the last time I went travelling with him, after the Year That Wasn’t. When we split up again to go our separate paths for a while, he donated K-9 Mk V to Torchwood, trusting Toshiko to keep it maintained. I suppose it’s only fair. Ianto has Myfanwy, Owen has Janet the Weevil, Gwen has Rhys. Now Tosh has K-9. She’s made some pretty amazing improvements and he’s been a huge asset to her.
Sexual Applications: Doctor, if you’re reading this, I’m so sorry. But you invented a robot dog with a vibrating nose, how could I resist trying that out? And he’s so obedient, yet he also has the initiative to figure out how to respond to commands like ‘harder’ and ‘faster’ in a context he hasn’t been programmed for!
L – Laser Screwdriver: I don’t know if sprucing up screwdrivers is a Time Lord hobby or if the Master was just mocking the Doctor when he presented his ‘Laser Screwdriver’. It could kill in one shot and it also had compact Lazarus technology to age and de-age someone as long as there was a handy sample of their DNA. It could also be used for torture purposes. Speaking from unpleasant experience there.
Sexual Applications: Well it seems to have some functions similar to the Sonic Screwdriver. The Master was ‘kind’ enough to demonstrate all varying vibration speeds. Also, through use of the Lazarus tech in a localised and focused beam, he was able to restore my ass to its original virgin tightness. I’d have thanked him, except he only did it so he could break me in again. Bastard.
M – Mobile Phone: Although it’s primitive compared to a lot of communications technology that Torchwood has in its possession, I like these little gizmos. In a crisis, you can almost guarantee that someone will have one. Having lived through earlier eras before worldwide communication, I can really appreciate that. Of course, if your attackers are smart enough to hack the network it might not be much use. My mobile phone recently got upgraded to ‘Universal Roaming’, thanks to my favourite Time Lord.
Sexual Applications: Same as any phone or communications device – dirty, kinky phone sex. I didn’t realise that when the Doctor put my phone onto Universal Roaming, that he’d be calling me whenever he got lonely/horny/drunk in the TARDIS. I don’t complain, though Ianto gets frustrated when I stop what we’re doing to talk on the phone for an hour. I tend to take those calls in another room so that he can’t hear me saying, “oh that’s right, Doctor. I’m a bad Captain. Wish you were here to spank me.”
N – Nanogenes: Smart subatomic robots that inhabit all Chula ships and can restore living tissue to its pristine form, provided they have been programmed with what that pristine form is. If they’re good enough, they can perform any healing task, from healing a paper-cut to reviving a corpse. Certain nanogenes can be programmed for military purposes, not only healing the troops, but improving on their original physical status and making them battle-ready.
Sexual Applications: With a steady supply of pre-programmed, high-quality nanogenes, you’re practically invincible. Your S & M play can get really wild if you have nanogenes on hand to heal every cut, bruise, lash, etc. In fact, if it weren’t for nanogenes, I don’t think me and John would have been nearly as rough with one another. Ah, who am I kidding? We’d have torn each other to pieces.
O – Orgasm-ray: I know what you’re thinking. Really, I do. Let me just confirm that Torchwood had nothing to do with the production of this…weapon. UNIT also deny involvement. Whoever made it, it’s in the safe hands of Torchwood now. It looks like a laser, delivers an incapacitating blast of orgasmic pleasure to the victim. A great way of stopping a fight before it starts. However, due to an incident the team refer to as ‘an obscene abuse of power’, I have been forced to put the item into secure storage. I believe Ianto has the code. I’m not allowed to know it, apparently.
Sexual Applications: Pretty obvious. I had to promise the Doctor I’d get rid of it after I made him climax 26 times in one hour. When he was conscious again, he was pretty furious. But it was so worth it. Since then I’ve found it’s best to use it stealthily, give people stealth-orgasms. Like that film, which I can’t remember the name of. Anyway, the team found out what I was doing and they weren’t pleased. Owen used it on me until I begged for forgiveness, at which point we locked the Orgasm-ray away. I bet I could get into the drawer though…
P – Perception Filter: A perception filter almost makes you invisible to most people. It’s not a foolproof disguise, certain people with either the right training or natural advantage will be able to see right through it (for example, Suzie Costello and the Master). Amongst ordinary people it does its job though, keeps you on the edge of perception, makes people disregard you unless you do something extreme. This is the technology that disguises the Hub’s invisible lift and the TARDIS and smaller versions can be constructed for personal use.
Sexual Applications: You don’t need to wear a blindfold if your partner’s wearing a perception filter. It’s like being molested by a ghost or a shadow, something just out of your vision. And, of course, anybody else who’s around can’t see them. Perfect for a public, yet subtle, encounter. The Doctor recently got me off in a café while wearing a perception filter. This regeneration really is a cheeky bastard.
Q – Quasi-Clone-Production-Engine: Tosh named this piece of equipment that came through the Rift, possibly from the Sontaran race. It produces fully-grown clones if you have adequate biological data to input, but not perfect replicas. Through voluntary experimentation at my expense, we were able to produce a number of clones, each one less individual and independent than the last. Like photocopying a photocopy, each one is inferior quality, personality-wise. They’re also very short-lived, so an army of Harkness is out of the question.
Sexual Applications: The main one I can think of is an orgy with yourself, but unfortunately the clones expire once the original template is out of the machine for too long. I have the CCTV footage of the Jack Harkness clone-orgy, but alas, I wasn’t involved. Just five inferior versions of me, Ianto, Owen, Gwen, and three tubs of strawberry ice cream.
R – Ret-con: Not all technology is metal and wires. The ret-con drug is a piece of chemical technology that I refined myself. It’s been used by Torchwood for a long time when memory modification is necessary, but I’ve taken to carrying a few different samples of varying concentrations with slightly different effects. I have some which also sedate people, best for troublesome elements.
Sexual Applications: None to be proud of. Best for erasing those unintended encounters. I’m ashamed to say I’ve used it for that purpose more than once. I’m sorry Suzie, Owen, Gwen, Toshiko, even Ianto, prior to our official relationship. It just didn’t seem worth the hassle to strain working relationships when I could eradicate the awkwardness with a single dose of ret-con. The guilt is overwhelming though. Especially when the morning-after the Doctor sips his tea and frowns before turning those big, brown, hurt eyes on you and you realise that Time Lords are probably immune and you really should have just talked it out before jumping to conclusions and…I think that’s enough on Ret-con.
S – Sonic Screwdriver: I assume it’s Gallifreyan technology created by the Time Lords, though why they chose a screwdriver for their genius fix-it tool, I don’t know. While the Master has a laser screwdriver, the Doctor carries a sonic one and it’s an incredibly versatile tool. It can unlock doors, as long as they aren’t deadlocked. It can power objects or drain their power. It’s equipped with a multi-purpose scanner amongst other things. It doesn’t kill or maim, making it the tool of choice for pacifists. It has numerous settings, countless functions. The Doctor builds them himself using the TARDIS I think, though I’m not sure on the specifics.
Sexual Applications: Let’s just say ‘resonating concrete’ came to have a whole new meaning after I’d travelled with the Doctor for a while…
T – TARDIS: TARDIS is an acronym for Time And Relative Dimension In Space. Using the Time Vortex, it can travel all around space and time. It can fly like a normal spaceship, but tends to use dematerialisation as its primary mode of transportation. That could be because it has a slightly dodgy pilot, though. The ships were created by the Time Lords, and the sole surviving craft belongs to the sole surviving Time Lord – the Doctor. Using perception filters and a chameleon circuit, a TARDIS can blend in with its surroundings as a security measure. The Doctor’s TARDIS has a broken chameleon circuit though, and permanently looks like a 1960’s Earth Police Phone Box. He doesn’t seem to care. The inside of the ship is far bigger than the outside, and as far as I know, the internal dimensions could be infinite. The ship provides all manner of interior comforts for her passengers and I had a room on-board that seems to have been preserved for subsequent visits. The ship has a mind of her own and links to her pilot and passengers telepathically. She translates all alien languages, but the Doctor himself might be a component in that function. The TARDIS can’t normally traverse walls between Universes unless there are seriously unusual conditions, and even then other Universes can be harmful to her. The TARDIS frequently drops by Cardiff to refuel from the Rift, which is when her owner (or the Time Lord she owns) drops by the Hub for visits.
Sexual Applications: The TARDIS wants her Time Lord and his friends to be happy. To that effect she’s willing to be the setting for many pleasurable encounters and even provides toys if you ask for them. And when the Doctor’s being stubborn or he’s in a bad mood and doesn’t feel like playing, she’ll even transform your room to a luxurious pleasure-palace. Though, according to the Doctor, that’s something she’s only ever done for me. He says I’m a bad influence on his ship.
U – Universal Translator: Just like Star Trek. It’s something found by Torchwood, perfected by Toshiko. It can translate most alien languages we’ve encountered so far, using word pattern formulae and a hint of psychic probing. Very useful for diplomatic negotiations.
Sexual Applications: Well, I can now say ‘would you like to sleep with me’ in Hziak, Xaan, all eighteen Morsnokian dialects, and Prionian.
V – Vortex Manipulator: Given to Time Agents, the Vortex Manipulator allows them to jump through time and space. It’s supposed to be massively resilient, but mine was fried in an attempt to jump to twenty-first century Earth after being zapped by a Dalek, and the damn thing left me stranded in 1869. It still accepts holographic messages and John Hart can contact me through it. It can also scan for certain energy signatures and monitor certain things, but more often than not the Torchwood scanners are more precise because it’s their primary function. The Doctor repaired it for me, but then undid the work when I refused to travel with him. He can be such a petty bitch sometimes.
Sexual Applications: Aside from the constant string of innuendo that crops up whenever me and John have our Vortex Manipulators in the same place at the same time (for the record, his doesn’t last longer!), the gizmo is normally too valuable to a Time Agent to play with it. However, since mine crapped out on me, I’ve got no issues with taking it off and using it for other stuff. I installed a vibration function so that it’s fun to wear in places other than my wrist. John installed an expand and retract mechanism on his so that he can use it as a cock-ring. I didn’t know any Time Agents who hadn’t found an inventive use for their Vortex Manipulator. I suppose that doesn’t do anything to disprove the Doctor’s theory that the Time Agency was a futuristic brothel.
W – Waveform Macro-kinetic Extrapolator (Tribophysical): Technology that creates a forcefield around the user, enabling them to ride an explosion safely. Most recent one I saw was intended for use by a Slitheen, who found it on sale. I rigged it up to the TARDIS to defend the Doctor, who needs all the protection he can get. And yes, I know I’m cheating by putting it under ‘W’. But Torchwood has been seriously lacking in alien technology beginning with ‘W’.
Sexual Applications: Okay. One time, the Doctor wandered into my room to talk to me without knocking. I was prepared for it, lying naked on my bed, touching myself. I didn’t stop when he stared. I ought to mention that this was pretty early on in our acquaintance. He didn’t leave though, which was more than I’d dared to expect. I just carried on, all the more inspired by his presence. He got closer and closer and I dared him with my eyes. It was a challenge. Eventually he snapped and moved forward to claim me, only to find I was using the Waveform Macro-kinetic Extrapolator to project a forcefield around me. So he could look, but not touch. The next time, I didn’t put the field up. By that point he was so frustrated he just pounced on me. And so began our physical relationship.
X – X-Ray Specs: Not just a quaint human science-fiction idea. By my time, most security scans include checking for X-ray equipment to prevent people seeing things they shouldn’t. Most of them are adjustable and can be switched on and off, like the Doctor’s. That’s right, the tenth version of the Doctor, his geeky black glasses are actually X-ray equipped. Funny enough, I don’t think he ever told Martha, Rose or Donna about that…
Sexual Applications: Me and the Doctor went through a bit of a dry patch after siding with different teams in a Xaan war. We shouldn’t have let it get so serious really, I mean, the Xaan have wars all the time. But still, I was effectively sleeping alone for a while after that. As it happened, I had a pair of X-Ray lenses, contacts rather than framed spectacles. So until the Doctor forgave me, I made do with wearing the lenses and watching him saunter around the TARDIS completely naked. Of course it was a bit jarring when he forgave me and I had to take off clothes that I couldn’t see…
Y – Youth Ray: Similar in essence to the Lazarus technology that de-ages you, except it works on the mind instead of the body. You’re regressed to a younger mental age. Me and the Doctor destroyed the only existing machine and had some stern words with its creator. Turned out to be an old scientist who had gone mad with grief over the loss of her unborn child. Very tragic. We almost didn’t stop her from regressing the whole of the human race through stolen TARDIS technology, but using modified and focussed Lazarus technology I was able to restore the Doctor’s cognitive capacity.
Sexual Applications: Um…none without serious ethical implications (not that that’s always stopped me, but I won’t go into that here). It depends on the age of regression though. For instance, did you know that the Doctor was highly curious and experimental as a teenager? Very eager to try out strange, physical human practises. Which is why we were almost too late to stop the scientist. Oops.
Z – Zip-Space: A term coined by Toshiko Sato to describe a phenomena whereby she can isolate pockets of Rift space. It could be Vortex space or Void space, I’m not sure. All that matters is that she can somehow separate it from the rest and create a pocket out of it, which can hold all manner of things, sort of suspend them in time and space. They effectively cease to exist until you withdraw them from the space again. It’s kind of like a pocket dimension. But not. It’s handy because it’s opened by a tiny mechanism that’s easily hidden, so you can store weapons inside it and skip through security checks.
Sexual Applications: The Doctor thinks he’s the only one with pockets that are bigger on the inside. It’s so fun to prove him wrong. Especially when he’s smug and you’re naked and then you access Zip-Space and produce that favourite old toy, the Bazoolium dildo. That’s not shock that makes his eyes widen that way, my friends, it’s pure gadget-lust.